Amma and Appa had me when they were really old. Appa was in his early 50s and amma in her early 40s. They have been trying in vain to conceive for a long time. They were living in a rural village and the people there were narrow minded and conservative. Some believed that Amma wasnt able to conceive because she was demented, some were of the opinion that Appa had committed a grave sin in his previous life . For the people living there, having many children meant good health and good wealth. It was a sign of prosperity. So my parents were mostly outcast in their eyes. They were outcasts of the society. Life was going hard for them. Appa worked in a Bank. After almost 20 years he got promoted and transferred to a city called Trivandrum. It was the capitol of the state kerala.
Trivandrum was a huge changed for them from the village life. It was a developing city. Amma had never seen these many cars. There was Tv and phone and fridge in almost every home. And soon they would also be getting all that in their new home by the courtesy of the bank. Appa and Amma were almost happy. But they felt something lacking in them. There seemed an emptiness in their lives which could only be filled if and if only God gave them a child.
One morning when Amma woke up she felt that nauseous. Appa took her to the Medical hospital. That day changed their lives forever. The Doctor had given the good news that Amma was pregnant. And in nine months time i was born to them. I was their miracle child, their god given gift. So they named me Bhagya meaning luck.
Appa and Amma took good care of me. Appa loved me very much. They pampered me a lot and they were very protective of me. Appa always made sure that i got everything that i wanted. he couldnt bear seeing me upset. We were a happy family.
When i was 12 years old Appa died of heart failure. I remember that day very clearly. It was raining pretty hard. It seemed as if the sky was also mourning Appa's demise. There were a lot of people their wailing and beating their breast. And in the centre was Amma. She just sat there shocked and kept screaming. She kept cursing Appa for leaving us. I got scared of the way she reacted but as i grew old i understood it was her way of coping with loss. They cremated Appa the same day. I couldnt believe that Appa was gone. Who was going to take care of me now? Who would love me the way Appa did. I felt a deep sense of loss. There was a eerie silence in the room. Amma was almost all the time confined in her room and i did most of the cooking. I made sure she ate. Home just didnt feel like home anymore.
Almost 6 months passed this way. Then one morning I saw Amma pull herself together. She said to herself that she was a strong woman and she had a child whom she neglected for a long time. She reminded herself that she had to secure my future. We were living off Appa's pension for six month. But now Amma decided to take dance classes for the neighborhood children. She was an excellent dancer. The neighborhood was very generous and sent their children to learn dance from her. Each day i watched Amma grow stronger in will. I was happy to see her progress. But Amma grew distant with me. We didnt talk like we used to that often. She was more strict with me. I didnt know what happened. What did i ever do wrong to her?
As i grew into a teenager i found that i needed more space. I felt the need to be more trendy and good looking. Amma didnt approve of the way i dressed. She didnt approve of my company. She dditn like me talking with boys. She didnt like me going out. She didnt pretty much like anything that i did. So we always used to end up having rows. I felt that she was cold and withdrawn. I couldnt take it anymore. She never understood me. When my friends talked about their parents and how free they were with them i felt jealous. I felt embarrased to go around with her. And slowly we both drifted farther apart from each other. Amma always tried to make conversation with me. But i never made any effort. The distance became unnerving. But i never tried to do anything about it.
After school I got into a college in Bangalore. It was going to be my first time away from home. I was upset that i would be leaving Amma all alone, but in a way i was relieved to be out of there. I couldnt take it anymore. In Bangalore i met my future spouse Anoop. Amma had always warned me not to get into any relationships. She warned me that guys only wanted my body and not me. She always nagged me about that. I always felt she was wrong. Anoop was a nice guy from a decent family. We had an amazing chemistry. We found ourselves naturally drawn towards each other. Before college ended Anoop asked me to marry him. I said yes. It had always been my dream. Anoop's parents were happy about the decision. But i hadnt told Amma yet.
When i went back home i approached Amma with this proposal. Amma asked me what his caste was. There was a minor problem because he was from a lower caste than i was. I didnt care about it so didnt he. Amma didnt agree to the marriage. She put a foot down on it. She was so stubborn that she didnt even speak to his parents.She kept saying about the society and what they would say. I became so frustrated and infuriated by her. I fought with her and told her that i had enough of her. I told her that i didnt care about what she thought and i didnt want her to control my life. It was my decision and i left the house. I took most of my belonging and went to stay with Anoop and his family. We had a register marriage the following week. I was happy....happy to be away from the chains that kept me tied down. I was happy to be free. I was happy with Anoop. I didnt think about Amma that much. I somehow felt i made the correct decision. Anoop was the only one concerned about Amma. He always asked me to go and see her. I refused saying that i didnt want to see someone who wasnt happy to see me in a good place. I just didnt know what i was saying.
Like that almost 7 years had passed. Anoop and i had two children, a boy and a girl. i had a good job. we had a decent life.I was happy there. One morning i got a call in my office. when i attended the call i was surprised to know tha it was my neighbor in my old home, Valsala aunty. I wondered why she was calling me. She said she had some sad news to deliver. And deep inside my heart i knew it, i feared it. somehow i didnt want to know it. And she spilled the beans. Amma was dead. She died a peaceful death, thats what she told me. I kept the receiver down. I didnt know how to react. I just got up and left my office. I wandered around aimlessly. i couldnt believe Amma was dead. Suddenly guilt struck me like lightning. What kinda of a daughter was i? I could have tried to patch things up between us. I could have gone to see her atleast once. And i started crying. i couldnt stop. And i felt upset that she never came looking for me. She hated me. she didnt know about my life. My children never got to know their grandmother. I hated myself. I was angry at Amma for leaving me. She could have come atleast once ...she could have atleast checked if i was doing alrite!!! why didnt you Amma why?
I called Anoop up and told him about Amma. We left for Trivandrum immediately. The funeral was arranged by Anoop. He took care of everything. I saw Amma's face. It was pale and wrinkled. Her hair had gone white. But her face had a serenity to it. She was peaceful. I prayed for her soul.
That night i told Anoop about the way i felt. I wished i could have communicated with Amma more. And he confessed something to me. He said that he had been secretly writing letters to her and letting her know the progress of the family. he said he sent her cheques to lead her life.Amma also wrote letters to him but made him promise not to tell me about anything. He said she always asked about me and he said that i was always a nice daughter to her. He said that she was happy of all the decisions that i made and she was proud of me. She always regretted not being there for me at the time of need and she felt that she was never a good mother.
And all this while i had misunderstood Amma. I didnt see the love for me in her eye. I was being selfish and it blinded me. Oh how much i regret not spending time with Amma. Amma if you are listening to me i want you to know that you have always been a good mother to me and i love you for all that you have done for me. Amma i never said this to you but i want you to know that I love you and i miss you.
