My grandmother

On February 10th 2011, my paternal grandmother died due to month long illness. I had gone to visit her two week before her death from Lucknow. She was very weak and frail. a complete opposite of what she used to be. A strong, empowering, independent woman she was when she was young. But when I saw her in the hospital bed, lying with the catheter and ventilator in her mouth, I just fell apart. I tried my best not to cry in front of her and bravely put up a smiling face. She lifted up her fragile hands and caught mine and asked if I was studying well. I replied with a happy smile saying yes, I am.

All of my Ammama's sons and daughter had come to see her during that time knowing her condition was critical. We were there for a span of one week. I couldn't extend it any longer as my project was going on.

As she saw everyone, Ammama was getting a little better everyday. My days revolved around her, taking shift at staying at the hospital, buying anything that was needed, looking after everything back home when I was not in the hospital, Buying roses for Ammama as she loved them etc. She always asked where I was when I was not at the hospital. Seeing everyone, she wanted to go back home desperately. Every time the doctor came she asked him, if she could go home. Seeing it was her only wish and she was getting a bit better than before, the doctors agreed to let her go home, but there was a need for a home nurse and 24 hrs ventilator. As long as she was home she didn't care about the rest of the things.

It was the day that she was brought back home that we had to go to Kochi for our flight back to Lucknow the next day. As I was anticipating her arrival, I put up a new bunch of red roses in her room to cheer her up. As the ambulance pulled over the driveway of the house, I was happy to see her, yet regretting the thought of having to say goodbye to her the moment she arrived home. When she was finally brought to her room, we all did our best to make her feel comfortable. I pulled up a chair and sat next to her and showed her the roses and talked to her. She smelled the roses and was happy.

Then it was time for the inevitable task of saying goodbye to her. My amma broke it to her gently. All she said was, now who is going to take care of me? I fell apart and started crying, But before I faced her, I wiped away my tears. Though my watery eyes betrayed me and I started crying again. I saw a single drop of tear come out from her eyes, I wiped it off. She was much more brave than I was. I gave her a kiss on her forehead and she held my hand and gave me a gently but firm squeeze to my hand. Everything was conveyed in that gesture. How much she loved and cared for me. Saying goodbye was the hardest thing ever.

After coming back to Lucknow, my parents constantly inquired with my aunts about Ammama's health. It was getting better. But suddenly, two weeks later, she had a peaceful death in her sleep. It was too soon....I never thought her time was this close. I thought she had a lot more life to live in her. But this is how it is...People who come to this earth will have to go back someday. The cycle of life....

I would always regret not giving her as much time as I would have loved to. I would regret not being there for her when she needed me. I would regret making her upset at some point in my life. I would just regret not loving her too much.... But I know her and she has forgiven me for all that long back.

I look back and remember how she used to feed me with her hands when i was young. I would only eat from her hand, listening to the same old story about the cock and the monkey. She would make small rice balls and put it into my mouth. I remember how when I came on rare weekend from college to TVM, she would give me her warm hug and would have made the maid prepare all of my favorite dishes. I miss her terribly...

She was the thread holding all the family together...now that the thread is gone...the family is also torn apart....

Recently when I opened up my old dairy, I found a birthday card that I got from her in 2009. That was the last card she sent me. In that she had written, how much she loved me and cared for me and wanted me to study well. It was as if a message for me from her..as if she was trying to tell me everything was going to be OK. I was suddenly filled with emotions.

I am just happy that I saw her before she died. I pray for her everyday. I know she is looking after us from beyond. Always show the love you have for your loved ones...never refrain from it, so that you will never regret anything when they are gone.